How good are you at British humor?

Absurd logic and witty remarks: write your own short story and send it here. Mine is right below. It seems so absurd that it doesn’t even make any sense, lol.

(Be nice in the chat!)

The Day the World Forgot How to Behave
On Wednesday morning, the Prime Minister was arrested for attempting to govern the country without a licence.

The arresting officer, a particularly nervous gentleman named Mr. Higgins, explained that governing without a licence was strictly prohibited under the Traffic Regulations Act of 1892, which, despite its name, applied exclusively to people who had never driven a carriage.

"But I'm the Prime Minister!" protested the prisoner.

"Precisely, sir. That's what makes it worse. You ought to know better."

The Prime Minister was taken to the police station, where he was immediately appointed Chief Inspector on account of his criminal experience.

Meanwhile, in London, the situation had deteriorated considerably.

Children were sending their parents to school.

Teachers were being examined by seven-year-olds.

Doctors were asking patients to prescribe them medicine.

And in the House of Lords, the aristocracy had been replaced by twelve exceptionally well-dressed potatoes.

Nobody seemed particularly concerned.

At Buckingham Palace, the King had abdicated in favour of his horse, who had subsequently refused the throne on the grounds that it was insufficiently comfortable.

The horse was therefore appointed Minister of Furniture.

The former King became a stable boy and was given a rather unpleasant room above the kitchen.

"Your Majesty," said the Prime Minister's former secretary, who was now working as a royal pigeon, "might I remind you that you are expected at Parliament?"

"Parliament?" replied the King, polishing a horseshoe. "I haven't been there since I was a respectable person."

"Indeed, sir. But you are now expected to attend as a member of the public."

"How humiliating."

"Quite, sir."

At precisely noon, the nation stopped functioning.

The clocks began running backwards, the newspapers printed tomorrow's news yesterday, and the BBC announced that the weather would be particularly sunny in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean, where it was currently raining cats and small government officials.

A gentleman in Manchester telephoned the emergency services.

"Hello? I'd like to report a murder."

"Certainly, sir. Who has been murdered?"

"Nobody yet. But my neighbour has just bought a hat, and I find his intentions suspicious."

"Understandable, sir. We shall send a murderer immediately."

"Thank you. Very efficient."

In the meantime, the Queen's former horse had called an emergency meeting of Parliament.

"Gentlemen," he began, "we must address the alarming shortage of horses in the country."

There was a murmur of agreement.

"Furthermore, I propose that all horses be required to carry humans on their backs for at least eight hours a day."

A human member of Parliament stood up.

"That's outrageous!"

"Order!" shouted the horse. "You are behaving like an animal."

The human apologised.

By evening, the entire country had adapted to the new arrangements. Dogs were walking their owners, fish were selling swimming lessons, and the government had introduced a tax on silence, payable exclusively in loud noises.

Only one man remained entirely unaffected by the chaos.

Mr. Arthur Bingley, a retired accountant, sat quietly in his garden, reading the newspaper upside down.

His wife approached him.

"Arthur, darling, haven't you noticed that the world has gone mad?"

He looked up.

"My dear, the world has always been mad. It's simply become more honest about it."

She considered this.

"Would you like some tea?"

"Certainly."

"Milk?"

"Of course."

"Sugar?"

"Two spoons."

She handed him a cup containing a small goldfish.

Arthur examined it thoughtfully.

"Excellent," he said. "Just how I like it."

And he drank it.

After all, one must maintain standards.

@Laura-F-Gobetti said ^

Absurd logic and witty remarks: write your own short story and send it here. Mine is right below. It seems so absurd that it doesn’t even make any sense, lol.

(Be nice in the chat!)

The Day the World Forgot How to Behave
On Wednesday morning, the Prime Minister was arrested for attempting to govern the country without a licence.

The arresting officer, a particularly nervous gentleman named M...

im good because i just drank some tea

A well-dressed matron, sounding quite posh, said to Noflaps: "I'm told you're rather clever ...."

Noflaps dimly sensed that he was not receiving a compliment.

@Gaia0405 said ^

Absurd logic and witty remarks: write your own short story and send it here. Mine is right below. It seems so absurd that it doesn’t even make any sense, lol.

(Be nice in the chat!)

The Day the World Forgot How to Behave
On Wednesday morning, the Prime Minister was arrested for attempting to govern the country without ...

Many British people genuinely believe that a cup of tea solves everything, lol.

@Noflaps said ^

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@Noflaps said ^

A well-dressed matron, sounding quite posh, said to Noflaps: "I'm told you're rather clever ...."

Noflaps dimly sensed that he was not receiving a compliment.

This is a fairly common construction in British literature. As a writer, I use it quite often.

@Noflaps said ^

A well-dressed matron, sounding quite posh, said to Noflaps: "I'm told you're rather clever ...."

Noflaps dimly sensed that he was not receiving a compliment.

"Ooh, matron!" I can never see that word without hearing the voice of Kenneth Williams in my head...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=to0SqZIJzNc

Ah, so this was yet another opportunity to be labelled common! No wonder I felt drawn to contribute!

I now honor the opportunity by using the British spelling of "labelled."

But the recent Liverpool / Arsenal fixture has me thinking of something even more comforting than hot tea. First City, then Arsenal. What's a poor commoner to do?

Where are you from?

I liked that satirical story @Laura-F-Gobetti , it actually captures rather well how absurd things are thesedays.
:D

As an aside, let me note that Arsenal's defense is apparently anything but "common."

I must, in all honesty, write that, even though I cannot bring myself to celebrate it.

But Liverpool grows stronger by the day, so I plan to celebrate many times this season. And during European competition next year, as well.

He who laughs last, laughs best, as the old saying goes.